Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Transition of a sub: From work-mode to play-mode

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In previous posts I talked about TPE (Total Power Exchange) versus a ‘bedroom’ or ‘scene’ submissive. Personally I do not practice the lifestyle as a TPE, it’s not for me. My sub is what’s called a bedroom submissive, and while bdsm is not restricted to the bedroom literally, it’s something that I turn on or off, as the Dominant. Suddenly, without warning I take total charge, and we were instantly in a scene. In my experience this works great, and I know the subs I’ve been with love it to. At the drop of a hat, when the mood strikes, we are in a power exchange – for as long as the dominant chooses.

I’ve also said in previous posts how; some of the best submissives I’ve ever met are far from submissive when it comes to their life ‘outside’ the bedroom. During the day these women kick-ass at work, they take charge, they are leaders, they are decisive and confident.  However, sexually when they get home, they want to give up all that control, and fully submit to a Dominant.  (In fact, many of these subs often use the word ‘freedom’. It is liberating for them to relinquish all control.)

But…the transition from in charge (at work) to sub-mode (in the bedroom) isn’t always seamless.  A sub comes home, she’s tired, she’s a bit cranky, traffic was a bitch, she was on her feet all day, or stuck in meetings…she’s finally home, and now her husband says “get on your knees and crawl over here.”  Her instinctive reaction is going to be: “Fuck that, I need a drink.”

I think it’s easier for a Dom to go from normal-mode to Dom-mode. I know with me, I can turn it on in a second.  But for a sub, especially a working sub, making that transition can’t always happen with the snap of a finger.  A good Dom will recognize and respect this.

It’s almost like the sub needs to cleanse her emotional palate. It’s like landing an airplane. On certain days, she needs to calm down and come-down before slipping into sub-mode.  (This could also apply to a sub that is stressed-out about something. When I’ve been with a sub that is anxious or stressed, I always make sure to ease her into a scene.)

Here are some things that might help the transition:

For Doms:
1.    Let your sub unwind after work. She might need time to relax and decompress first. Don’t pounce on her the minute she gets home.
2.    If she’s really stressed, postpone the scene. Support her instead. If I notice that my sub is in a frail state of mind, I don’t force her into playing.

For subs:
1.    Try breathing exercises, or lighting candles, or take a bath after work or a bit of meditation/yoga if you think it’s a night where a scene might happen.
2.    Speak up, and tell him. Bdsm only works if there’s open communication.

For Doms and subs together:
1.    Have a drink or two (or three) before playtime. A shared bottle of wine can set a wonderful mood. Or a joint, or a walk outdoors. Find your medicine.
2.    Foreplay. Ease into the scene with light bdsm foreplay. If you’re a Dom, tease her.  Lie on the couch together, and do some nipple-play while you watch TV.  Point is – don’t rush into the scene. (Again, I want to be clear – there are times when I DO rush into a scene, such as surprise rough hard sex…but the point is, not when a sub needs to transition from work-mode to play-mode.)
3.    A change of clothes can change the mood.  It’s funny, I hear about all these women who buy all this expensive lingerie (Victoria Secret, etc), and then never wear it. Changing into something sexy begins to signal a shift in mood.
4.    Watch porn together. Sounds silly, but I find it helps you unwind after a crazy day.

The bottom line is this: Doms need to be mindful that a sub may need to transition into sub-mode, especially if she’s stressed or anxious, or has a demanding job. She can’t turn a dime (emotionally), so be realistic.  Subs need to help or assist with the transition too…make it easier to let yourself slip into bliss-land.  Learn what works for you.  Learn how you can escape from the hassles of the day, and enjoy your submissive desires by discovering the best way to bridge those two worlds. Be open and honest with your Dom.


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  2. I'm a bedroom sub, my Dom isn't into the lifestyle, but he enjoys being in charge during our 'play.'

    So far we haven't had too much trouble knowing when we need to decompress before play, but then we aren't always into a D/s working even in the bedroom. Though he can be spontaneous with it, as you said in your post- it's fun and heightens what's happening. I also like surprises that are good for me. :)

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  3. Al, this says what I have been feeling! Thank you,

  4. Great advice - even for vanilla couples! sex on demand, can be tough on any relationship! I've always worked and it was super hard to switch modes , especially when the kids were still all at home. Too many demands and expectations on top of a self centered needy man, sucked the life right out of me. I know exactly what those sub's mean by wanting to turn it all over ! About how mentally and physically freeing that could be! Having someone to CARE enough to take over and know how to do it - without having to top from the bottom. And yes! I know I'm not into TPE. Thats too much like what I lived in growing up- I want Safe Sexy and Sane - trigger me with a panty melting voice - right in my ear - thats all I need.