Sunday, 21 September 2014

Vanilla Marriage? Food for Thought:

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I want to stress that the following comments are the opinion of one person – me. My advice and suggestions stem from observations I’ve had over the years. Do I know for sure that this can apply to you, or your marriage, or your husband?  Of course not. All I can tell you is my point-of-view. Don’t view this as indisputably accurate - view it as something to consider.

One of the most common questions I get from women is – ‘how can I get my husband (or bf) to dominate me in the bedroom’?  Often the woman goes on to clarify that her partner is a good man, a good provider, a great father, etc.  The marriage is generally in a good place – in fact, it’s possible the sex is generally good too. The only problem is he never takes control in the bedroom.

So, here’s the thing: I think the first thing you need to do is determine whether the man has dominant traits in the first place.  If he does, then the seed is there, and at least you have a chance. If he doesn’t have any dominant traits, then – in my view – you are out of luck. He might try to fake it, but he will never dominate you. He doesn’t have it in him.

Let’s look at both scenarios.

The first being, he’s generally vanilla but has dominant traits.  Basically you need to help him find his inner Dom, and bring it out of him.  Here’s how I would suggest approaching it.

1.      Get him to read some stuff about BDSM. Give him a copy of your favorite kinky novel; go read some websites/blogs etc.  The more he knows about the lifestyle, the better.

2.      Let him know it is okay to make mistakes. For example, if he dabbles with bondage, don’t you dare criticize him if he can’t tie a decent knot at first. Don’t fuck with his confidence.

3.      Play into his ego, and encourage everything he’s doing right. If he GRABS your hair, let him know how much it’s arousing you. If he’s spanking you, don’t criticize him for going too easy; instead make sure he knows you enjoyed the hardest slaps the most.  In other words, positive reinforcement.

4.      If you want him to act like a Dom during sex, then make sure you are acting like a sub. Kneel before him, kiss his fingertips, and call him ‘Sir’.  Play the perfect sub, and stay in character. When he realizes it’s not a joke, he will respond.

Now I realize some of what I suggest sounds manipulative. That said, this is not ‘topping from below’. This is intended to nurture his dominant traits, and help the Dom side of him emerge. If it works – and that side of his sexual personality strengthens, he’ll put you in your place when you try to top him from below.

The second scenario is - the dominant gene is simply not there.

If this is the case, it ain’t gonna happen. You could put a handcuffed Rhianna in bed with a guy like that, and he won’t dominate her. So, what do you do?  Divorce him? No!  A good man is hard to find.  I believe it’s better in life to be with a good man who is a bad Dom, than it is to be with a good Dom who is a bad man.  If he’s a decent man, treat him with respect and dignity, but don’t expect that he’ll ever take a paddle to your ass.

So, now what? If you determine there’s no chance of him dominating you, consider this:

1.      Be open and honest, and communicate with him. Let him know about your kinky side. This dialogue will help with the next two steps. (Hopefully he’ll be open-minded enough to let you explore your interests.)

2.      Get yourself a good resource-material collection. Find the best bdsm novels, short stories, sexy pictures, websites, Facebook groups, chat programs, etc.  Unfortunately you will have to scratch your submissive itch on the side. (Ideally, you will not have to hide any of these materials from your partner.)

3.       See if your husband would be open to allowing you to have an online Master. Is it as good as the real thing? No. Is it better than nothing? Oh yeah!  Online relationships can be very real and very powerful.  I do not condone doing this behind your husband’s back.  Please be upfront and honest with your partner.


  1. Al this is great advice for every couple whether new to D/S or comfortable in there rules. The worst thing any women can do is criticize or critique her partner when they are stepping outside their comfort zone. Remember if you are patient with him and he with you the reward will be ten fold. Just my 2 cents.

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  2. I love love love this! Great advice! Encouraging each other to try something new, stretch the boundaries of "the same ol' thing". When it goes well tell him. Communicate about what you loved, liked and are willing to try again, and what you don't want to try anymore. Emphasis on the stuff you loved! And then expand on it!

  3. This is great advice, Al. Unfortunately for me my hubby isn't quite into dominating in the bedroom as I would like. I also know it won't go any further than that, which isn't much but hey.. I'm not complaining. In the end I love my husband and I'm happy. So the way things are right now are fine. Thank you for your advice on this topic. I found it very helpful.

  4. I helped my guy find his inner Dom- it took 4 years. part of that time was me gaining the courage to show him I was a sub and wanted to be dominated and the second part encouraging him to be dominate with me. he has a very aggressive and possessive personality so I was pretty sure he had an inner Dom. I could see Sir peeking at me from time to time. Now I get a little ornery while he's out of town and suddenly he goes Dom on me while we are skyping and I have ten swats waiting for me when he gets home. O.O

    It was worth nurturing him. I don't think he knew how serious I was about trying more D/s in the bedroom until i handed him a D/s list of thing acceptable and things not acceptable to do to me. And he perked right up...He thinks I'm totally kinky and now he likes it. Giggles.

    I have also done the master thing you were discussing- though not really online. A Girl friend was married to a sub, only she was a sub too. (This was before i even knew I was a sub LOL ) Her husband needed someone to give him that extra umph...I never touched him, hell i barely spoke to him but he was my sub. She came to me and asked me to do what she couldn't. She couldn't put him to harm and he was a masochist. I had no issues doing it, because I wasn't attached to him like she was. So we made up disciplines and such. He would text me. "what number mistress" and i would text him any number I felt at the time within our design. he had to do whatever punishment that number corresponded to.
    I only mention this because I do think it is another avenue you could take with a spouse. Say he isn't over submissive, but maybe you could do a number system and that might be helpful for you- or do it with him over e-mail where he doesn't have to face it.

  5. I loved this. Luckily all my man ever needs is a little encouragement and then I've created a monster, and it's a very good thing. Thank you for sharing this advice, so helpful to anyone seeking to bring out the inner Dom in their partner.

  6. Thanks to all of you for the incredible comments. Every one of you added valuable insights!

  7. Wow, great advice. Very informative. Thanks for your insight.

  8. I had no idea! An online Dom? Where does such an animal reside? I'm divorced and wanting to expand my Hoorizons - safely and privately. I loved your articles and some of the suggestions and responses!

  9. You have given me so much here. I do believe he has what it takes .He does lead me when i am on my knees in front of him . Just need him to take it further.... how do I get him to do this ?