Saturday, 30 August 2014

One Possible Sign of a Bad Dom

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I want to share one observation that I would say, if you experience a Dom doing this to you, proceed with caution.  I won’t go as far as saying its outright wrong, because - again, I believe each D/s couple sets their own rules.  But I am saying, personally, I would never do this with a sub, and if a Dom does it with you, I think you should pause.

I have never, and would never get in between my sub and her family.  In fact, I do not control who my sub chooses to have as her girlfriends.  Yet, I’ve seen it with other couples.  And it often ends badly.  I knew a D/s couple where the Dom got in a big argument with his sub’s family.  Because of it, he forbid her from associating with her sister and other family members.  (This couple was married.)  For 10 years, his (unfortunate) sub did not see or speak to her sister.  Then, for unrelated reasons, the couple divorced.  The sub reunited with her family, and once again became best friends with her sister.  To this day, one of her biggest regrets in life is that she missed the birth of her sister’s kids.

My point is this: in my opinion, that Dom abused his power as a Dominant.  To my view, he was selfish.  I would never interfere with my sub’s family in such a manner.  I would keep the peace for my submissive’s sake.  If your Dom is wedging his way in between you and your family (or your friends), just be careful.

More often than not, it’s a bad sign.

Thursday, 14 August 2014

Try Wax Play

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I’ve come to realize many of the questions I get are from people new to the lifestyle, and especially submissive women who have a wonderful (but unfortunately vanilla) boyfriend/husband.

I know many of you have enticed or tried to lure your husbands into tying you up, spanking you, dominating you, etc.  Some of these men might be hesitant to try ‘impact’ play (striking, slapping or spanking) until they gain confidence.  (Generally society is conditioned against violence, or hitting of any kind, so until people understand the positive side of BDSM, many men will struggle with impact play.)

So, how about hot wax?  It’s fun, sexy and safe.  Maybe it’s a good place to start.

Most BDSM couples enjoy hot wax. It’s very popular. Here are the benefits and a hint or two

1.       There’s a bit of ceremony involved. The actual lighting of the candle. The flame. Swirling the candle around to increase the pool of melted wax.  It builds anticipation.  Personally I love blindfolding the submissive beforehand, so she has no idea where or when the next dollop will land.

2.       It’s easy to adjust the level of pain. If you let the wax drip from 10 inches above the skin, it’s far less intense than from 2 inches. Breasts seem to be a favorite target.

3.       The type of candle purchased also makes a difference. Different types of wax have different melting points.  For example, bees wax burns hotter.  (One trick I do is…when I’m above my sub, with the candle I will discreetly pour a drop on my inner wrist to let me gauge the intensity. This way I know what I’m dealing with.  If it burns my inner wrist, then it will surely burn her nipple.

4.       You create art. The wax is like paint on a canvas. It’s lovely having sex when her chest is still covered in various colors of now hardened wax.

Monday, 4 August 2014

TPE versus 'bedroom' submissive

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Today's comments are about living the lifestyle 24/7 (some call it Total Power Exchange or TPE), versus what others call a ‘bedroom’ submissive or a ‘scene’ submission. I have met some amazing couples who live TPE and it works perfectly (for them). The Dominant comes home from work and the submissive serves him or her like a King or Queen. Some live it openly, some privately. They live their daily lives around the clock with a power exchange always there. For me personally, I don’t want that. Never did. I prefer what is often called a ‘bedroom’ submissive. That doesn’t mean that sex is literally restricted to the just means the power exchange happens during sexual play, not 24/7.

Day to day we live like other couples, but when it’s time for sex, I become Dominant, and she becomes submissive. For example, decisions such as where we go for vacation, whether to buy a car or not, which movie to see, etc., are all made jointly. Both opinions equally valid. If we discuss politics, or friends, or anything – our opinions carry the same weight. She is not submissive to me with matters that relate to finances, family, children, careers, etc. She is only submissive to me sexually.

In my case, this has worked best when I, as the dominant, can turn on the power exchange simply by using a certain tone-of-voice. We might be driving the car on a long road trip, and I will suddenly say “put your seat back, put your legs up on the dash and get those fucking panties off.” With nothing more than a tone of voice we instantly transition into play mode. We might be in a restaurant, and I will look over and whisper, “you dirty little slut, I bet you could finger-fuck yourself right here, and no one would notice.” We are immediately in play mode. I might randomly call her from the office and say, “bring yourself to the very brink of orgasm three times in the next hour, but don’t you dare cum.” My tone of voice does it all. Lastly, of course, anything and everything that happens in the bedroom is controlled by the dominant.

A Week in the Life

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Recently I was asked, “Do you whip your sub every night?” Before I answer the question, my usual
caveat: all I can tell you about is my experiences.  This is how it works for me, both now and in past D/s relationships.  Here is a typical 'Week in the Life'.

Monday: Errands. Groceries. Finally at 11:10 we get alone-time. But one or both of us have an early morning meeting. On a night like this, there are no whips, floggers or even bondage. There are almost always subtle ‘elements’ of BDSM - but otherwise, it’s quite similar to vanilla sex.  I might pull and twist her nipples while we kiss, standing up.  Basically using some pain and control as foreplay.  But it’s late, and we have sex like any couple would.

Tuesday: Friends drop by unexpectedly. They stay longer than they should, leaving after midnight. We both work in the a.m., so sex might be something as simple as mutual masturbation.  Quick and easy. Fun. After all, as you know, it’s easier to fall asleep satisfied.

Wed: The Air Conditioner (or whatever) breaks. Repair guy is over. Finally he leaves, but someone needs to be picked up at the subway in 20 minutes. We have just enough time to squeeze in a quick fast fuck.

Friday: My sub is out with her girlfriends, for a girl's night out. I might surf some porn.  In the morning, she might take a bath, and rub out a quickie while she reads in the tub. 

Sunday: Finally - two hours alone. Two whole hours!  This might be the one night where I can tie her up, pour hot wax on her tits, use some new toy we bought, use a flogger on her tits, etc. etc.

The point is this - the average or typical BDSM couple probably:
1. Have sex more often than vanilla couples. (BDSMers love sex).
2. Are not doing hardcore domination nightly (just not realistic).
3. Typically, BDSM people love variety.
4. There are often soft elements of BDSM, but great sex can be quite vanilla too!
5. If we have one pure dedicated BDSM session per week, that’s about right.

So, back to the original question:  Do I whip my sub every night?  Ahhhh, that would be no!

"Do you wield a whip?"

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I was asked a common question recently which was, “Do you wield a whip?” My answer was, “yes and no.” Let me elaborate. First, I should say – I have never, and would never strike a sub with a bullwhip. That is dangerous stuff, besides the fact that I’m a Dom, not a sadist. Bullwhips are great for ‘show’. It’s cool to curl up a bullwhip and make a sub kiss the whip, to signify her surrender. Now, I’m not saying more experienced Dominants don’t use bullwhips. I think there are some that do. I’m just saying, I personally don’t have the skill to use one and would never risk it.

Here’s what I do use: Let’s start with spankings, since that’s a great way for those new to the lifestyle to start. Yup, I use my hand. Spankings are great. A Dom/me could deliver quite the serious spanking with nothing more than his/her hand. The pain on my own palm lets me gauge how painful it must be for the sub. And trust me, sometimes my hand is stinging! Next is a paddle. Even a ping pong paddle works well. They are nice and broad, so very safe. Recently I used a beautiful olive wood paddle (it was designed as a cutting board). Wood paddles hurt like hell, as there is no give or flex to the wood. A hairbrush is, in effect a small paddle. Let’s move on to belts. Belts are awesome too. Keep in mind the width of the belt: the wider the safer. I strike harder with a wide belt, and softer with a narrow belt. Also, a leather belt makes a great sound when it lands, which adds to the drama of the scene. Floggers are very cool and easy to use. Deer skin floggers are the softest, and perfect for the breasts. The pain builds nicely, and this works well as far as getting a sub into subspace (strike rhythmically, not sporadically). After that, you start getting into the more dangerous stuff, which is not my thing. Single tail whips or even riding crops can be very nasty. As a responsible Dom, you should always try it on yourself first. You can strike your inner calf. If it’s too painful for you, it’s too painful for her!

There’s an expression: ‘the business end of the belt’. That’s way past my limits. I’d never do that. I have also never truly used a cane, except for ‘theatre’. A cane is ideal to gently poke at the nipples, or to slide along the folds of her pussy…but I have never used a cane to strike with any real degree of force. It’s very easy to break the skin with a cane. Back to the original question: have a wielded a whip? If you consider a flogger or a belt a whip then yes; but if you mean a real whip – like a bullwhip, then no – never did and never will.