Sunday, 11 September 2016

What Exactly is a Real Dom?

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I often see discussion in social media around the topic of, ‘What is a Real Dom?

Obviously we know that Dom is short for Dominant – someone, male or female (Domme), who wants to be on the controlling side of a consensual sexual power exchange. (I say sexual, otherwise it would include people with a dominant personality, which is different of course).

So, how does one define a ‘real’ Dom?

Is it based on how many sexual experiences the person had? How many asses he spanked? So, if a guy engaged in BDSM sex with 10 different women is that finally enough that he can call himself a real Dom? Or, does he need to have dominated 30 women? I started early, and experienced a lot in my pre-marriage years. Does this “history” automatically qualify me? Meh, I don’t think so.

Instead, is it based on his knowledge of the using the various toys/instruments? So, if a guy knows how to use a deer skin flogger versus a riding crop, is that it? He must have had to dabble with bondage, spreader bars, Wartenberg wheels, hot wax, tens, etc. I’d say nah. Just because someone can use the instruments, doesn’t make him/her a Dom/Domme.

Or, is it based on his interaction with others in the ‘community’. There was a period in my life when I attended munches and fet nights? Does that make me a Dom? Simply because I went to events with other kinksters? I don’t think so. To be honest, a lot of the people seemed like cartoon characters to me.

Is it longevity? If a person lived the ‘lifestyle” for ten years, does that makes him real? Is it an age thing? No way.

What if a Dom with lots of past experience, lots of history, and good knowledge goes through a ten year period where his priorities change? He focuses on raising his kids, advancing his career, building a home, and BDSM must be put on the back burner. Does that mean he is now LESS of a Dom? Absolutely not.

Therefore…what if…

A real Dom is defined by a combination of all those things – experience, knowledge, history, tenure – but ALSO, the right mindset. Yes, the right attitude. (This is where a lot of Doms fuck up and get labeled as ‘FAKE’.

In my person experience, real Doms are defined by:
1. A lack of arrogance. They are quietly self assured and don’t need to flaunt anything. When someone broadcasts it – often – that’s a sign of a wanna-be/poser.

2. Unwavering politeness. A real Dom doesn’t have to act “bossy”. Never mistake someone who is polite for someone who is weak. Those are two very different things.

3. Integrity. And we look for integrity in others too.

4. Respect and admiration for submissives. We follow the ‘safe, sane and consensual’ credo.

Sunday, 10 January 2016

New BDSM novel:

While the original and primary purpose of this blog was never to sell books, I can't help but showcase my brand new novel - 'Pleasure, Pain or Purpose' since it is now available for sale on Amazon.

First of all, here is the cover designed by my incredible PA, True Texan.  (In only a few days, the book has earned more than 25 reviews. Please read a few.)

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Pleasure, Pain or Purpose is the story of three best friends.

When everything seems perfect, that’s when a curve ball is likely waiting around the corner. Biljana Stevens’ blissful life is derailed after the sudden death of her cherished David. Now a lonely submissive, she travels the world with a crushed heart.

A contradiction all her life, Jasmin Stallworth loved Barbies; but she also loved baseball with the boys. Now an undercover cop, Jasmine has a penchant for risk: kinky risk. Will she put her career on the line and her life in danger to satisfy her hunger?

Vicky Knox and her husband Andrew were compatible, but she longed for more than a roommate. Why can’t the magic and enthusiasm always so plentiful in the early stages of a relationship, last a lifetime? Married life became mundane. Until rough sex and a password changed everything.

Together the three friends help each other navigate life, loss and love. Oh, and kinky sex...very kinky sex.

DISCLAIMER: This story contains BDSM. While fully consensual, it includes submission and dominance. Please do NOT buy or read this if you are offended by graphic sexual descriptions. All characters are aged 25+, and it is recommended for an adult audience ONLY (aged 21+). This story is pure fiction and the author does not condone any violent behavior.

Amazon link:   
Pleasure Pain or Purpose

Tuesday, 15 December 2015

Top Twenty Tweets from 2015

Very proud to have reached 5,000 followers. These were some of my faves from the past year:

1. Be happy when you post a selfie. Ten years from now you’ll come across the photo and think "I wish I looked that good now."

2. I watched ten minutes of the Kardashians the other day. I hadn’t heard so many rants since the last time I was on Facebook.

3. After giving up kinky sex for a month, I learned what’s really important in life......kinky sex!
4. Feeling guilty for not reading more? No worries, activate the ‘closed captioning’ on your 55 inch flatscreen. There you go!

5. Reader: Are the Author who always puts the blame on another Author?
Me: No, that's Gina Whitney.

6. Real Doms do the dishes. Seriously. If a male Dom thinks he's 'above' helping out around the house, that's being selfish, not dominant.

7. Kissing is underrated. Sex in the shower is overrated. Seriously, sex in the shower is good in theory, but always clumsy in real.

8. Not everyone is a poet, until we get dumped. Then suddenly we all turn into John Lennon.

9. "Of course I've never left any permanent scars," I answered. "I'm a responsible Dom." "I didn't mean the ones you can see," she replied.

10. If you love someone set their butt on fire. If they cum they are yours. If they don't, they never were.

11. I asked my wife who was funnier, me or Jimmy Fallon. Anyway, I'll take her out of the dungeon in the morning.

12. The word 'stressed' backwards is 'desserts'. So, let's invert stress today. Sound like a plan?

13. I will tweet your nipples viciously, while I twitter your magical nub, until you hashtag all over my fingers.

14. What's the worst thing a timid Dom/Domme can say while delivering a spanking? "Oh sorry, was that too hard?"

15. Orgasms are like vacations. There's no such thing as a bad one.

16. A girl who is kinky is good. A girl who is kinky and thinky is the best.

17. There is no shame when a sub uses her safeword. It's not a sign of failure, but rather, communication of a threshold.

18. Any song with the word 'soulmate' in it has to suck.

19. I don’t really like BDSM. Okay, maybe a little. Or, somewhat. I mean, it has its merits. I guess it’s okay. Quite good, actually. Practically amazing. I LOVE BDSM.

20. I just want to grab that nipple, and begin a slow cruel twist to the left, then pull you closer by it.....oh sorry, you were saying?

So, please follow me on Twitter if you don't already. And please share this post if you so choose.

Thursday, 13 November 2014

Fiction versus Fantasy: Putting Strong BDSM Erotica in Context

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It is said that the average police officer will never fire his or her gun in the line of duty. Even after 30 years in the force, most will never experience an actual shootout.

Yet if you watch a cop drama on television, every cop in the show gets into 10 or 15 major gun shoot-outs in a single season! It’s similar with car chases: in action movies there are unbelievable chases where dozens of police cars are flying through the city with spectacular crashes.  In real life, ahhh – no.

Why? For theatre, of course. It’s harmless exaggeration. Things are pushed to the extreme for dramatic effect. My novel, ‘Testing the Submissive’ is pure fiction. Occasionally I get asked: “Is that what the lifestyle is really like?” My answer is “heck, no!” Lewis pimps Abby out to various sadistic men and women, sending the poor girl out on her own. No responsible Dom would do such a thing.

It’s a story for the sake of fantasy. The boundaries of what’s realistic are pushed, just as happens in every episode of CSI or Miami Vice. Generally in novels, there are no STD’s. Taking risks in the written pages of a book is one thing; whereas taking risks in real life is something altogether different.

In fantasy, let your imagination run wild, and enjoy it for what it is. Transcend what’s real.

But in life, be safe and sane above all else. Enjoy the lifestyle, but treat your submissive with the care, respect and honor she deserves.

Sunday, 21 September 2014

Vanilla Marriage? Food for Thought:

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I want to stress that the following comments are the opinion of one person – me. My advice and suggestions stem from observations I’ve had over the years. Do I know for sure that this can apply to you, or your marriage, or your husband?  Of course not. All I can tell you is my point-of-view. Don’t view this as indisputably accurate - view it as something to consider.

One of the most common questions I get from women is – ‘how can I get my husband (or bf) to dominate me in the bedroom’?  Often the woman goes on to clarify that her partner is a good man, a good provider, a great father, etc.  The marriage is generally in a good place – in fact, it’s possible the sex is generally good too. The only problem is he never takes control in the bedroom.

So, here’s the thing: I think the first thing you need to do is determine whether the man has dominant traits in the first place.  If he does, then the seed is there, and at least you have a chance. If he doesn’t have any dominant traits, then – in my view – you are out of luck. He might try to fake it, but he will never dominate you. He doesn’t have it in him.

Let’s look at both scenarios.

The first being, he’s generally vanilla but has dominant traits.  Basically you need to help him find his inner Dom, and bring it out of him.  Here’s how I would suggest approaching it.

1.      Get him to read some stuff about BDSM. Give him a copy of your favorite kinky novel; go read some websites/blogs etc.  The more he knows about the lifestyle, the better.

2.      Let him know it is okay to make mistakes. For example, if he dabbles with bondage, don’t you dare criticize him if he can’t tie a decent knot at first. Don’t fuck with his confidence.

3.      Play into his ego, and encourage everything he’s doing right. If he GRABS your hair, let him know how much it’s arousing you. If he’s spanking you, don’t criticize him for going too easy; instead make sure he knows you enjoyed the hardest slaps the most.  In other words, positive reinforcement.

4.      If you want him to act like a Dom during sex, then make sure you are acting like a sub. Kneel before him, kiss his fingertips, and call him ‘Sir’.  Play the perfect sub, and stay in character. When he realizes it’s not a joke, he will respond.

Now I realize some of what I suggest sounds manipulative. That said, this is not ‘topping from below’. This is intended to nurture his dominant traits, and help the Dom side of him emerge. If it works – and that side of his sexual personality strengthens, he’ll put you in your place when you try to top him from below.

The second scenario is - the dominant gene is simply not there.

If this is the case, it ain’t gonna happen. You could put a handcuffed Rhianna in bed with a guy like that, and he won’t dominate her. So, what do you do?  Divorce him? No!  A good man is hard to find.  I believe it’s better in life to be with a good man who is a bad Dom, than it is to be with a good Dom who is a bad man.  If he’s a decent man, treat him with respect and dignity, but don’t expect that he’ll ever take a paddle to your ass.

So, now what? If you determine there’s no chance of him dominating you, consider this:

1.      Be open and honest, and communicate with him. Let him know about your kinky side. This dialogue will help with the next two steps. (Hopefully he’ll be open-minded enough to let you explore your interests.)

2.      Get yourself a good resource-material collection. Find the best bdsm novels, short stories, sexy pictures, websites, Facebook groups, chat programs, etc.  Unfortunately you will have to scratch your submissive itch on the side. (Ideally, you will not have to hide any of these materials from your partner.)

3.       See if your husband would be open to allowing you to have an online Master. Is it as good as the real thing? No. Is it better than nothing? Oh yeah!  Online relationships can be very real and very powerful.  I do not condone doing this behind your husband’s back.  Please be upfront and honest with your partner.

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Transition of a sub: From work-mode to play-mode

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In previous posts I talked about TPE (Total Power Exchange) versus a ‘bedroom’ or ‘scene’ submissive. Personally I do not practice the lifestyle as a TPE, it’s not for me. My sub is what’s called a bedroom submissive, and while bdsm is not restricted to the bedroom literally, it’s something that I turn on or off, as the Dominant. Suddenly, without warning I take total charge, and we were instantly in a scene. In my experience this works great, and I know the subs I’ve been with love it to. At the drop of a hat, when the mood strikes, we are in a power exchange – for as long as the dominant chooses.

I’ve also said in previous posts how; some of the best submissives I’ve ever met are far from submissive when it comes to their life ‘outside’ the bedroom. During the day these women kick-ass at work, they take charge, they are leaders, they are decisive and confident.  However, sexually when they get home, they want to give up all that control, and fully submit to a Dominant.  (In fact, many of these subs often use the word ‘freedom’. It is liberating for them to relinquish all control.)

But…the transition from in charge (at work) to sub-mode (in the bedroom) isn’t always seamless.  A sub comes home, she’s tired, she’s a bit cranky, traffic was a bitch, she was on her feet all day, or stuck in meetings…she’s finally home, and now her husband says “get on your knees and crawl over here.”  Her instinctive reaction is going to be: “Fuck that, I need a drink.”

I think it’s easier for a Dom to go from normal-mode to Dom-mode. I know with me, I can turn it on in a second.  But for a sub, especially a working sub, making that transition can’t always happen with the snap of a finger.  A good Dom will recognize and respect this.

It’s almost like the sub needs to cleanse her emotional palate. It’s like landing an airplane. On certain days, she needs to calm down and come-down before slipping into sub-mode.  (This could also apply to a sub that is stressed-out about something. When I’ve been with a sub that is anxious or stressed, I always make sure to ease her into a scene.)

Here are some things that might help the transition:

For Doms:
1.    Let your sub unwind after work. She might need time to relax and decompress first. Don’t pounce on her the minute she gets home.
2.    If she’s really stressed, postpone the scene. Support her instead. If I notice that my sub is in a frail state of mind, I don’t force her into playing.

For subs:
1.    Try breathing exercises, or lighting candles, or take a bath after work or a bit of meditation/yoga if you think it’s a night where a scene might happen.
2.    Speak up, and tell him. Bdsm only works if there’s open communication.

For Doms and subs together:
1.    Have a drink or two (or three) before playtime. A shared bottle of wine can set a wonderful mood. Or a joint, or a walk outdoors. Find your medicine.
2.    Foreplay. Ease into the scene with light bdsm foreplay. If you’re a Dom, tease her.  Lie on the couch together, and do some nipple-play while you watch TV.  Point is – don’t rush into the scene. (Again, I want to be clear – there are times when I DO rush into a scene, such as surprise rough hard sex…but the point is, not when a sub needs to transition from work-mode to play-mode.)
3.    A change of clothes can change the mood.  It’s funny, I hear about all these women who buy all this expensive lingerie (Victoria Secret, etc), and then never wear it. Changing into something sexy begins to signal a shift in mood.
4.    Watch porn together. Sounds silly, but I find it helps you unwind after a crazy day.

The bottom line is this: Doms need to be mindful that a sub may need to transition into sub-mode, especially if she’s stressed or anxious, or has a demanding job. She can’t turn a dime (emotionally), so be realistic.  Subs need to help or assist with the transition too…make it easier to let yourself slip into bliss-land.  Learn what works for you.  Learn how you can escape from the hassles of the day, and enjoy your submissive desires by discovering the best way to bridge those two worlds. Be open and honest with your Dom.

Saturday, 30 August 2014

One Possible Sign of a Bad Dom

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I want to share one observation that I would say, if you experience a Dom doing this to you, proceed with caution.  I won’t go as far as saying its outright wrong, because - again, I believe each D/s couple sets their own rules.  But I am saying, personally, I would never do this with a sub, and if a Dom does it with you, I think you should pause.

I have never, and would never get in between my sub and her family.  In fact, I do not control who my sub chooses to have as her girlfriends.  Yet, I’ve seen it with other couples.  And it often ends badly.  I knew a D/s couple where the Dom got in a big argument with his sub’s family.  Because of it, he forbid her from associating with her sister and other family members.  (This couple was married.)  For 10 years, his (unfortunate) sub did not see or speak to her sister.  Then, for unrelated reasons, the couple divorced.  The sub reunited with her family, and once again became best friends with her sister.  To this day, one of her biggest regrets in life is that she missed the birth of her sister’s kids.

My point is this: in my opinion, that Dom abused his power as a Dominant.  To my view, he was selfish.  I would never interfere with my sub’s family in such a manner.  I would keep the peace for my submissive’s sake.  If your Dom is wedging his way in between you and your family (or your friends), just be careful.

More often than not, it’s a bad sign.