Fiction versus Fantasy: Putting Strong BDSM Erotica in Context

It is said that the average police officer will never fire his or her gun in the line of duty. Even after 30 years in the force, most will never experience an actual shootout.

Yet if you watch a cop drama on television, every cop in the show gets into 10 or 15 major gun shoot-outs in a single season! It’s similar with car chases: in action movies there are unbelievable chases where dozens of police cars are flying through the city with spectacular crashes.  In real life, ahhh – no.

Why? For theatre, of course. It’s harmless exaggeration. Things are pushed to the extreme for dramatic effect. My novel, ‘Testing the Submissive’ is pure fiction. Occasionally I get asked: “Is that what the lifestyle is really like?” My answer is “heck, no!” Lewis pimps Abby out to various sadistic men and women, sending the poor girl out on her own. No responsible Dom would do such a thing.

It’s a story for the sake of fantasy. The boundaries of what’s realistic are pushed, just as happens in every episode of CSI or Miami Vice. Generally in novels, there are no STD’s. Taking risks in the written pages of a book is one thing; whereas taking risks in real life is something altogether different.

In fantasy, let your imagination run wild, and enjoy it for what it is. Transcend what’s real.

But in life, be safe and sane above all else. Enjoy the lifestyle, but treat your submissive with the care, respect and honor she deserves.

Vanilla Marriage? Food for Thought:

I want to stress that the following comments are the opinion of one person – me. My advice and suggestions stem from observations I’ve had over the years. Do I know for sure that this can apply to you, or your marriage, or your husband?  Of course not. All I can tell you is my point-of-view. Don’t view this as indisputably accurate - view it as something to consider.

One of the most common questions I get from women is – ‘how can I get my husband (or bf) to dominate me in the bedroom’?  Often the woman goes on to clarify that her partner is a good man, a good provider, a great father, etc.  The marriage is generally in a good place – in fact, it’s possible the sex is generally good too. The only problem is he never takes control in the bedroom.

So, here’s the thing: I think the first thing you need to do is determine whether the man has dominant traits in the first place.  If he does, then the seed is there, and at least you have a chance. If he doesn’t have any dominant traits, then – in my view – you are out of luck. He might try to fake it, but he will never dominate you. He doesn’t have it in him.

Let’s look at both scenarios.

The first being, he’s generally vanilla but has dominant traits.  Basically you need to help him find his inner Dom, and bring it out of him.  Here’s how I would suggest approaching it.

1.      Get him to read some stuff about BDSM. Give him a copy of your favorite kinky novel; go read some websites/blogs etc.  The more he knows about the lifestyle, the better.

2.      Let him know it is okay to make mistakes. For example, if he dabbles with bondage, don’t you dare criticize him if he can’t tie a decent knot at first. Don’t fuck with his confidence.

3.      Play into his ego, and encourage everything he’s doing right. If he GRABS your hair, let him know how much it’s arousing you. If he’s spanking you, don’t criticize him for going too easy; instead make sure he knows you enjoyed the hardest slaps the most.  In other words, positive reinforcement.

4.      If you want him to act like a Dom during sex, then make sure you are acting like a sub. Kneel before him, kiss his fingertips, and call him ‘Sir’.  Play the perfect sub, and stay in character. When he realizes it’s not a joke, he will respond.

Now I realize some of what I suggest sounds manipulative. That said, this is not ‘topping from below’. This is intended to nurture his dominant traits, and help the Dom side of him emerge. If it works – and that side of his sexual personality strengthens, he’ll put you in your place when you try to top him from below.

The second scenario is - the dominant gene is simply not there.

If this is the case, it ain’t gonna happen. You could put a handcuffed Rhianna in bed with a guy like that, and he won’t dominate her. So, what do you do?  Divorce him? No!  A good man is hard to find.  I believe it’s better in life to be with a good man who is a bad Dom, than it is to be with a good Dom who is a bad man.  If he’s a decent man, treat him with respect and dignity, but don’t expect that he’ll ever take a paddle to your ass.

So, now what? If you determine there’s no chance of him dominating you, consider this:

1.      Be open and honest, and communicate with him. Let him know about your kinky side. This dialogue will help with the next two steps. (Hopefully he’ll be open-minded enough to let you explore your interests.)

2.      Get yourself a good resource-material collection. Find the best bdsm novels, short stories, sexy pictures, websites, Facebook groups, chat programs, etc.  Unfortunately you will have to scratch your submissive itch on the side. (Ideally, you will not have to hide any of these materials from your partner.)

3.       See if your husband would be open to allowing you to have an online Master. Is it as good as the real thing? No. Is it better than nothing? Oh yeah!  Online relationships can be very real and very powerful.  I do not condone doing this behind your husband’s back.  Please be upfront and honest with your partner.

Transition of a sub: From work-mode to play-mode

In previous posts I talked about TPE (Total Power Exchange) versus a ‘bedroom’ or ‘scene’ submissive. Personally I do not practice the lifestyle as a TPE, it’s not for me. My sub is what’s called a bedroom submissive, and while bdsm is not restricted to the bedroom literally, it’s something that I turn on or off, as the Dominant. Suddenly, without warning I take total charge, and we were instantly in a scene. In my experience this works great, and I know the subs I’ve been with love it to. At the drop of a hat, when the mood strikes, we are in a power exchange – for as long as the dominant chooses.

I’ve also said in previous posts how; some of the best submissives I’ve ever met are far from submissive when it comes to their life ‘outside’ the bedroom. During the day these women kick-ass at work, they take charge, they are leaders, they are decisive and confident.  However, sexually when they get home, they want to give up all that control, and fully submit to a Dominant.  (In fact, many of these subs often use the word ‘freedom’. It is liberating for them to relinquish all control.)

But…the transition from in charge (at work) to sub-mode (in the bedroom) isn’t always seamless.  A sub comes home, she’s tired, she’s a bit cranky, traffic was a bitch, she was on her feet all day, or stuck in meetings…she’s finally home, and now her husband says “get on your knees and crawl over here.”  Her instinctive reaction is going to be: “Fuck that, I need a drink.”

I think it’s easier for a Dom to go from normal-mode to Dom-mode. I know with me, I can turn it on in a second.  But for a sub, especially a working sub, making that transition can’t always happen with the snap of a finger.  A good Dom will recognize and respect this.

It’s almost like the sub needs to cleanse her emotional palate. It’s like landing an airplane. On certain days, she needs to calm down and come-down before slipping into sub-mode.  (This could also apply to a sub that is stressed-out about something. When I’ve been with a sub that is anxious or stressed, I always make sure to ease her into a scene.)

Here are some things that might help the transition:

For Doms:
1.    Let your sub unwind after work. She might need time to relax and decompress first. Don’t pounce on her the minute she gets home.
2.    If she’s really stressed, postpone the scene. Support her instead. If I notice that my sub is in a frail state of mind, I don’t force her into playing.

For subs:
1.    Try breathing exercises, or lighting candles, or take a bath after work or a bit of meditation/yoga if you think it’s a night where a scene might happen.
2.    Speak up, and tell him. Bdsm only works if there’s open communication.

For Doms and subs together:
1.    Have a drink or two (or three) before playtime. A shared bottle of wine can set a wonderful mood. Or a joint, or a walk outdoors. Find your medicine.
2.    Foreplay. Ease into the scene with light bdsm foreplay. If you’re a Dom, tease her.  Lie on the couch together, and do some nipple-play while you watch TV.  Point is – don’t rush into the scene. (Again, I want to be clear – there are times when I DO rush into a scene, such as surprise rough hard sex…but the point is, not when a sub needs to transition from work-mode to play-mode.)
3.    A change of clothes can change the mood.  It’s funny, I hear about all these women who buy all this expensive lingerie (Victoria Secret, etc), and then never wear it. Changing into something sexy begins to signal a shift in mood.
4.    Watch porn together. Sounds silly, but I find it helps you unwind after a crazy day.

The bottom line is this: Doms need to be mindful that a sub may need to transition into sub-mode, especially if she’s stressed or anxious, or has a demanding job. She can’t turn a dime (emotionally), so be realistic.  Subs need to help or assist with the transition too…make it easier to let yourself slip into bliss-land.  Learn what works for you.  Learn how you can escape from the hassles of the day, and enjoy your submissive desires by discovering the best way to bridge those two worlds. Be open and honest with your Dom.

One Possible Sign of a Bad Dom

I want to share one observation that I would say, if you experience a Dom doing this to you, proceed with caution.  I won’t go as far as saying its outright wrong, because - again, I believe each D/s couple sets their own rules.  But I am saying, personally, I would never do this with a sub, and if a Dom does it with you, I think you should pause.

I have never, and would never get in between my sub and her family.  In fact, I do not control who my sub chooses to have as her girlfriends.  Yet, I’ve seen it with other couples.  And it often ends badly.  I knew a D/s couple where the Dom got in a big argument with his sub’s family.  Because of it, he forbid her from associating with her sister and other family members.  (This couple was married.)  For 10 years, his (unfortunate) sub did not see or speak to her sister.  Then, for unrelated reasons, the couple divorced.  The sub reunited with her family, and once again became best friends with her sister.  To this day, one of her biggest regrets in life is that she missed the birth of her sister’s kids.

My point is this: in my opinion, that Dom abused his power as a Dominant.  To my view, he was selfish.  I would never interfere with my sub’s family in such a manner.  I would keep the peace for my submissive’s sake.  If your Dom is wedging his way in between you and your family (or your friends), just be careful.

More often than not, it’s a bad sign.

Try Wax Play

I’ve come to realize many of the questions I get are from people new to the lifestyle, and especially submissive women who have a wonderful (but unfortunately vanilla) boyfriend/husband.

I know many of you have enticed or tried to lure your husbands into tying you up, spanking you, dominating you, etc.  Some of these men might be hesitant to try ‘impact’ play (striking, slapping or spanking) until they gain confidence.  (Generally society is conditioned against violence, or hitting of any kind, so until people understand the positive side of BDSM, many men will struggle with impact play.)

So, how about hot wax?  It’s fun, sexy and safe.  Maybe it’s a good place to start.

Most BDSM couples enjoy hot wax. It’s very popular. Here are the benefits and a hint or two

1.       There’s a bit of ceremony involved. The actual lighting of the candle. The flame. Swirling the candle around to increase the pool of melted wax.  It builds anticipation.  Personally I love blindfolding the submissive beforehand, so she has no idea where or when the next dollop will land.

2.       It’s easy to adjust the level of pain. If you let the wax drip from 10 inches above the skin, it’s far less intense than from 2 inches. Breasts seem to be a favorite target.

3.       The type of candle purchased also makes a difference. Different types of wax have different melting points.  For example, bees wax burns hotter.  (One trick I do is…when I’m above my sub, with the candle I will discreetly pour a drop on my inner wrist to let me gauge the intensity. This way I know what I’m dealing with.  If it burns my inner wrist, then it will surely burn her nipple.

4.       You create art. The wax is like paint on a canvas. It’s lovely having sex when her chest is still covered in various colors of now hardened wax.
:

TPE versus 'bedroom' submissive

Today's comments are about living the lifestyle 24/7 (some call it Total Power Exchange or TPE), versus what others call a ‘bedroom’ submissive or a ‘scene’ submission. I have met some amazing couples who live TPE and it works perfectly (for them). The Dominant comes home from work and the submissive serves him or her like a King or Queen. Some live it openly, some privately. They live their daily lives around the clock with a power exchange always there. For me personally, I don’t want that. Never did. I prefer what is often called a ‘bedroom’ submissive. That doesn’t mean that sex is literally restricted to the bedroom...it just means the power exchange happens during sexual play, not 24/7.

Day to day we live like other couples, but when it’s time for sex, I become Dominant, and she becomes submissive. For example, decisions such as where we go for vacation, whether to buy a car or not, which movie to see, etc., are all made jointly. Both opinions equally valid. If we discuss politics, or friends, or anything – our opinions carry the same weight. She is not submissive to me with matters that relate to finances, family, children, careers, etc. She is only submissive to me sexually.

In my case, this has worked best when I, as the dominant, can turn on the power exchange simply by using a certain tone-of-voice. We might be driving the car on a long road trip, and I will suddenly say “put your seat back, put your legs up on the dash and get those fucking panties off.” With nothing more than a tone of voice we instantly transition into play mode. We might be in a restaurant, and I will look over and whisper, “you dirty little slut, I bet you could finger-fuck yourself right here, and no one would notice.” We are immediately in play mode. I might randomly call her from the office and say, “bring yourself to the very brink of orgasm three times in the next hour, but don’t you dare cum.” My tone of voice does it all. Lastly, of course, anything and everything that happens in the bedroom is controlled by the dominant.

A Week in the Life

Recently I was asked, “Do you whip your sub every night?” Before I answer the question, my usual
caveat: all I can tell you about is my experiences.  This is how it works for me, both now and in past D/s relationships.  Here is a typical 'Week in the Life'.

Monday: Errands. Groceries. Finally at 11:10 we get alone-time. But one or both of us have an early morning meeting. On a night like this, there are no whips, floggers or even bondage. There are almost always subtle ‘elements’ of BDSM - but otherwise, it’s quite similar to vanilla sex.  I might pull and twist her nipples while we kiss, standing up.  Basically using some pain and control as foreplay.  But it’s late, and we have sex like any couple would.

Tuesday: Friends drop by unexpectedly. They stay longer than they should, leaving after midnight. We both work in the a.m., so sex might be something as simple as mutual masturbation.  Quick and easy. Fun. After all, as you know, it’s easier to fall asleep satisfied.

Wed: The Air Conditioner (or whatever) breaks. Repair guy is over. Finally he leaves, but someone needs to be picked up at the subway in 20 minutes. We have just enough time to squeeze in a quick fast fuck.

Friday: My sub is out with her girlfriends, for a girl's night out. I might surf some porn.  In the morning, she might take a bath, and rub out a quickie while she reads in the tub. 

Sunday: Finally - two hours alone. Two whole hours!  This might be the one night where I can tie her up, pour hot wax on her tits, use some new toy we bought, use a flogger on her tits, etc. etc.

The point is this - the average or typical BDSM couple probably:
1. Have sex more often than vanilla couples. (BDSMers love sex).
2. Are not doing hardcore domination nightly (just not realistic).
3. Typically, BDSM people love variety.
4. There are often soft elements of BDSM, but great sex can be quite vanilla too!
5. If we have one pure dedicated BDSM session per week, that’s about right.

So, back to the original question:  Do I whip my sub every night?  Ahhhh, that would be no!

"Do you wield a whip?"

I was asked a common question recently which was, “Do you wield a whip?” My answer was, “yes and no.” Let me elaborate. First, I should say – I have never, and would never strike a sub with a bullwhip. That is dangerous stuff, besides the fact that I’m a Dom, not a sadist. Bullwhips are great for ‘show’. It’s cool to curl up a bullwhip and make a sub kiss the whip, to signify her surrender. Now, I’m not saying more experienced Dominants don’t use bullwhips. I think there are some that do. I’m just saying, I personally don’t have the skill to use one and would never risk it.

Here’s what I do use: Let’s start with spankings, since that’s a great way for those new to the lifestyle to start. Yup, I use my hand. Spankings are great. A Dom/me could deliver quite the serious spanking with nothing more than his/her hand. The pain on my own palm lets me gauge how painful it must be for the sub. And trust me, sometimes my hand is stinging! Next is a paddle. Even a ping pong paddle works well. They are nice and broad, so very safe. Recently I used a beautiful olive wood paddle (it was designed as a cutting board). Wood paddles hurt like hell, as there is no give or flex to the wood. A hairbrush is, in effect a small paddle. Let’s move on to belts. Belts are awesome too. Keep in mind the width of the belt: the wider the safer. I strike harder with a wide belt, and softer with a narrow belt. Also, a leather belt makes a great sound when it lands, which adds to the drama of the scene. Floggers are very cool and easy to use. Deer skin floggers are the softest, and perfect for the breasts. The pain builds nicely, and this works well as far as getting a sub into subspace (strike rhythmically, not sporadically). After that, you start getting into the more dangerous stuff, which is not my thing. Single tail whips or even riding crops can be very nasty. As a responsible Dom, you should always try it on yourself first. You can strike your inner calf. If it’s too painful for you, it’s too painful for her!

There’s an expression: ‘the business end of the belt’. That’s way past my limits. I’d never do that. I have also never truly used a cane, except for ‘theatre’. A cane is ideal to gently poke at the nipples, or to slide along the folds of her pussy…but I have never used a cane to strike with any real degree of force. It’s very easy to break the skin with a cane. Back to the original question: have a wielded a whip? If you consider a flogger or a belt a whip then yes; but if you mean a real whip – like a bullwhip, then no – never did and never will.

Being Released

I think it’s fair to say women with a submissive side tend to be highly loyal. Consider what a sub does – she gives up control to her Dom. Seriously, think about that for a minute. There is a real sacrifice on the part of the sub, and this creates a special bond that cannot be taken lightly.

Therefore, it only makes sense; it’s not easy when that bond is broken. Let’s say that at some point in a relationship, a Dom decides that a particular sub is not the right girl for him. He releases her - the equivalent to a break-up. However, because of the very nature of submission, the heartache is even MORE INTENSE than with vanilla relationships.

Here she was, giving up all control willingly – and even after such a sacrifice, she gets dumped.
By the same token, if the Dom wasn’t truly feeling it, you can’t blame him. One week a Dom is taking a belt to a sub’s ass, and the next week he has to explain “this is not really going to work.” Often, there’s a feeling of betrayal on the part of the sub, and feeling of guilt on the part of the Dom.

Break-ups suck. Being released, or asking for release is never easy.

Tricks of the Trade

The good news is – society has come a long way, as far acceptance of BDSM. The bad news is – there’s still a long way to go. Twenty years ago things were even more conservative than they are today. In my 20s, I had to be careful about divulging my interest in BDSM. Some people confused it with abuse. Therefore I had to find clever sneaky ways to determine if a girl had a submissive side. This way, if she didn’t, she wouldn’t freak out and start a bunch of ignorant rumors about me.

Some people are lucky enough to be ‘open’ about living the lifestyle. Others of us must be discreet, particularly if you need to do so for the sake of your career. Personally, I believe each couple must determine if they want to be open or private about their lifestyle choice.

Okay so this commentary explores a trick for single male Doms to determine if a girl has a submissive side.  And then, a trick for single women to see if a guy has a Dominant side. (This first trick was told to me by a very experienced sub, when I was a Dom in my early 20s, and I used it for years.)

For the guys: when you are having sex with a girl…take a hold of her wrists (not her hands, but her wrists) and bring them up above her head.  Pin them there…very high over her head.  Stretch her arms. It’s that simple. The reaction will be very polarizing.  She will clearly react in one of two ways.  Either, she will look at you with a strange look, as if to say “WTF?”  Or, she will moan, push her breasts up toward you as if to say “take me, I’m yours”.  The difference will black or white.  She will either totally encourage you, or be utterly confused.  If she responds positively the green light is open to explore BDSM. If she looks at you strange, just casually release her wrists, and pretend nothing happened. She’ll forget about it by the time she cums. And you did nothing significant enough to incriminate yourself.

For the girls: (This trick was also told to me by a female sub). What she does is this: early on, when she’s on a date…she intentionally forgets her cell in the house, and just as they are leaving the driveway, she says 'stop'.  Of course, she has to go back in the house to get her phone. Once she returns to the car she says “sorry about that, you can give me a spanking later.”  She says it very playfully, as if joking around.  Now – if the guy is Dom, trust me…he will NOT FORGET her comment. Later, when he drops her off (even if it's many hours later) – he will reference the spanking.  If he has no Dom blood, he won’t remember her earlier comment.  I've been told this trick truly works.  If the guy mentions the spanking at the end of the night, he is Dom.  If not, no luck.