Vanilla Marriage? Food for Thought:

I want to stress that the following comments are the opinion of one person – me. My advice and suggestions stem from observations I’ve had over the years. Do I know for sure that this can apply to you, or your marriage, or your husband?  Of course not. All I can tell you is my point-of-view. Don’t view this as indisputably accurate - view it as something to consider.

One of the most common questions I get from women is – ‘how can I get my husband (or bf) to dominate me in the bedroom’?  Often the woman goes on to clarify that her partner is a good man, a good provider, a great father, etc.  The marriage is generally in a good place – in fact, it’s possible the sex is generally good too. The only problem is he never takes control in the bedroom.

So, here’s the thing: I think the first thing you need to do is determine whether the man has dominant traits in the first place.  If he does, then the seed is there, and at least you have a chance. If he doesn’t have any dominant traits, then – in my view – you are out of luck. He might try to fake it, but he will never dominate you. He doesn’t have it in him.

Let’s look at both scenarios.

The first being, he’s generally vanilla but has dominant traits.  Basically you need to help him find his inner Dom, and bring it out of him.  Here’s how I would suggest approaching it.

1.      Get him to read some stuff about BDSM. Give him a copy of your favorite kinky novel; go read some websites/blogs etc.  The more he knows about the lifestyle, the better.

2.      Let him know it is okay to make mistakes. For example, if he dabbles with bondage, don’t you dare criticize him if he can’t tie a decent knot at first. Don’t fuck with his confidence.

3.      Play into his ego, and encourage everything he’s doing right. If he GRABS your hair, let him know how much it’s arousing you. If he’s spanking you, don’t criticize him for going too easy; instead make sure he knows you enjoyed the hardest slaps the most.  In other words, positive reinforcement.

4.      If you want him to act like a Dom during sex, then make sure you are acting like a sub. Kneel before him, kiss his fingertips, and call him ‘Sir’.  Play the perfect sub, and stay in character. When he realizes it’s not a joke, he will respond.

Now I realize some of what I suggest sounds manipulative. That said, this is not ‘topping from below’. This is intended to nurture his dominant traits, and help the Dom side of him emerge. If it works – and that side of his sexual personality strengthens, he’ll put you in your place when you try to top him from below.

The second scenario is - the dominant gene is simply not there.

If this is the case, it ain’t gonna happen. You could put a handcuffed Rhianna in bed with a guy like that, and he won’t dominate her. So, what do you do?  Divorce him? No!  A good man is hard to find.  I believe it’s better in life to be with a good man who is a bad Dom, than it is to be with a good Dom who is a bad man.  If he’s a decent man, treat him with respect and dignity, but don’t expect that he’ll ever take a paddle to your ass.

So, now what? If you determine there’s no chance of him dominating you, consider this:

1.      Be open and honest, and communicate with him. Let him know about your kinky side. This dialogue will help with the next two steps. (Hopefully he’ll be open-minded enough to let you explore your interests.)

2.      Get yourself a good resource-material collection. Find the best bdsm novels, short stories, sexy pictures, websites, Facebook groups, chat programs, etc.  Unfortunately you will have to scratch your submissive itch on the side. (Ideally, you will not have to hide any of these materials from your partner.)

3.       See if your husband would be open to allowing you to have an online Master. Is it as good as the real thing? No. Is it better than nothing? Oh yeah!  Online relationships can be very real and very powerful.  I do not condone doing this behind your husband’s back.  Please be upfront and honest with your partner.