Vanilla Marriage? Food for Thought:

I want to stress that the following comments are the opinion of one person – me. My advice and suggestions stem from observations I’ve had over the years. Do I know for sure that this can apply to you, or your marriage, or your husband?  Of course not. All I can tell you is my point-of-view. Don’t view this as indisputably accurate - view it as something to consider.

One of the most common questions I get from women is – ‘how can I get my husband (or bf) to dominate me in the bedroom’?  Often the woman goes on to clarify that her partner is a good man, a good provider, a great father, etc.  The marriage is generally in a good place – in fact, it’s possible the sex is generally good too. The only problem is he never takes control in the bedroom.

So, here’s the thing: I think the first thing you need to do is determine whether the man has dominant traits in the first place.  If he does, then the seed is there, and at least you have a chance. If he doesn’t have any dominant traits, then – in my view – you are out of luck. He might try to fake it, but he will never dominate you. He doesn’t have it in him.

Let’s look at both scenarios.

The first being, he’s generally vanilla but has dominant traits.  Basically you need to help him find his inner Dom, and bring it out of him.  Here’s how I would suggest approaching it.

1.      Get him to read some stuff about BDSM. Give him a copy of your favorite kinky novel; go read some websites/blogs etc.  The more he knows about the lifestyle, the better.

2.      Let him know it is okay to make mistakes. For example, if he dabbles with bondage, don’t you dare criticize him if he can’t tie a decent knot at first. Don’t fuck with his confidence.

3.      Play into his ego, and encourage everything he’s doing right. If he GRABS your hair, let him know how much it’s arousing you. If he’s spanking you, don’t criticize him for going too easy; instead make sure he knows you enjoyed the hardest slaps the most.  In other words, positive reinforcement.

4.      If you want him to act like a Dom during sex, then make sure you are acting like a sub. Kneel before him, kiss his fingertips, and call him ‘Sir’.  Play the perfect sub, and stay in character. When he realizes it’s not a joke, he will respond.

Now I realize some of what I suggest sounds manipulative. That said, this is not ‘topping from below’. This is intended to nurture his dominant traits, and help the Dom side of him emerge. If it works – and that side of his sexual personality strengthens, he’ll put you in your place when you try to top him from below.

The second scenario is - the dominant gene is simply not there.

If this is the case, it ain’t gonna happen. You could put a handcuffed Rhianna in bed with a guy like that, and he won’t dominate her. So, what do you do?  Divorce him? No!  A good man is hard to find.  I believe it’s better in life to be with a good man who is a bad Dom, than it is to be with a good Dom who is a bad man.  If he’s a decent man, treat him with respect and dignity, but don’t expect that he’ll ever take a paddle to your ass.

So, now what? If you determine there’s no chance of him dominating you, consider this:

1.      Be open and honest, and communicate with him. Let him know about your kinky side. This dialogue will help with the next two steps. (Hopefully he’ll be open-minded enough to let you explore your interests.)

2.      Get yourself a good resource-material collection. Find the best bdsm novels, short stories, sexy pictures, websites, Facebook groups, chat programs, etc.  Unfortunately you will have to scratch your submissive itch on the side. (Ideally, you will not have to hide any of these materials from your partner.)

3.       See if your husband would be open to allowing you to have an online Master. Is it as good as the real thing? No. Is it better than nothing? Oh yeah!  Online relationships can be very real and very powerful.  I do not condone doing this behind your husband’s back.  Please be upfront and honest with your partner.

Transition of a sub: From work-mode to play-mode

In previous posts I talked about TPE (Total Power Exchange) versus a ‘bedroom’ or ‘scene’ submissive. Personally I do not practice the lifestyle as a TPE, it’s not for me. My sub is what’s called a bedroom submissive, and while bdsm is not restricted to the bedroom literally, it’s something that I turn on or off, as the Dominant. Suddenly, without warning I take total charge, and we were instantly in a scene. In my experience this works great, and I know the subs I’ve been with love it to. At the drop of a hat, when the mood strikes, we are in a power exchange – for as long as the dominant chooses.

I’ve also said in previous posts how; some of the best submissives I’ve ever met are far from submissive when it comes to their life ‘outside’ the bedroom. During the day these women kick-ass at work, they take charge, they are leaders, they are decisive and confident.  However, sexually when they get home, they want to give up all that control, and fully submit to a Dominant.  (In fact, many of these subs often use the word ‘freedom’. It is liberating for them to relinquish all control.)

But…the transition from in charge (at work) to sub-mode (in the bedroom) isn’t always seamless.  A sub comes home, she’s tired, she’s a bit cranky, traffic was a bitch, she was on her feet all day, or stuck in meetings…she’s finally home, and now her husband says “get on your knees and crawl over here.”  Her instinctive reaction is going to be: “Fuck that, I need a drink.”

I think it’s easier for a Dom to go from normal-mode to Dom-mode. I know with me, I can turn it on in a second.  But for a sub, especially a working sub, making that transition can’t always happen with the snap of a finger.  A good Dom will recognize and respect this.

It’s almost like the sub needs to cleanse her emotional palate. It’s like landing an airplane. On certain days, she needs to calm down and come-down before slipping into sub-mode.  (This could also apply to a sub that is stressed-out about something. When I’ve been with a sub that is anxious or stressed, I always make sure to ease her into a scene.)

Here are some things that might help the transition:

For Doms:
1.    Let your sub unwind after work. She might need time to relax and decompress first. Don’t pounce on her the minute she gets home.
2.    If she’s really stressed, postpone the scene. Support her instead. If I notice that my sub is in a frail state of mind, I don’t force her into playing.

For subs:
1.    Try breathing exercises, or lighting candles, or take a bath after work or a bit of meditation/yoga if you think it’s a night where a scene might happen.
2.    Speak up, and tell him. Bdsm only works if there’s open communication.

For Doms and subs together:
1.    Have a drink or two (or three) before playtime. A shared bottle of wine can set a wonderful mood. Or a joint, or a walk outdoors. Find your medicine.
2.    Foreplay. Ease into the scene with light bdsm foreplay. If you’re a Dom, tease her.  Lie on the couch together, and do some nipple-play while you watch TV.  Point is – don’t rush into the scene. (Again, I want to be clear – there are times when I DO rush into a scene, such as surprise rough hard sex…but the point is, not when a sub needs to transition from work-mode to play-mode.)
3.    A change of clothes can change the mood.  It’s funny, I hear about all these women who buy all this expensive lingerie (Victoria Secret, etc), and then never wear it. Changing into something sexy begins to signal a shift in mood.
4.    Watch porn together. Sounds silly, but I find it helps you unwind after a crazy day.

The bottom line is this: Doms need to be mindful that a sub may need to transition into sub-mode, especially if she’s stressed or anxious, or has a demanding job. She can’t turn a dime (emotionally), so be realistic.  Subs need to help or assist with the transition too…make it easier to let yourself slip into bliss-land.  Learn what works for you.  Learn how you can escape from the hassles of the day, and enjoy your submissive desires by discovering the best way to bridge those two worlds. Be open and honest with your Dom.